MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

yes, the bells are ringing, Santa Claus is here…Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!! As a special treat, here are a bunch of funny stories surrounding Christmas and New year found in none other than our much loved search engine Google! Enjoy…

Mirror Image

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be’

Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing £75. [$150USD]

‘Too expensive,’ muttered Nathan.

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. ‘Oh dear,’ Nathan groused, ‘still far too much.’

Growing rather annoyed at Nathan’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.

Nathan became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’

So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

How They Forecast a Cold Winter

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2009/10 was going to be cold or mild.  The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter.  However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.

‘Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,’ the meteorological officer told the chief.  Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. ‘Are you still forecasting a cold winter?’ he asked.

‘Yes, very cold’, the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. ‘Yes,’ he was told, ‘it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied: ‘Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.’

Short Funny Xmas Story

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift’s floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don’t actually exist!

Grandpa’s Christmas Story

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque (check).

On each card he wrote:

‘Happy Christmas Grandpa’

P.S. ‘Buy your own present!’

Conclusion:

Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of cheques (checks) for his grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards

New Year Stories

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

okay, so i admit. i cudnt find awesomely great jokes on New Year. So i went on the Reader’s Digest website and found these…

Conflict

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this Mr.!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Submitted by Nancy Gomes

 

Making Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Submitted by Gerald Doka

 

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

–Patsy R. Dancey

 

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse’s station with an empty cup.

“I didn’t need this after all,” he said. “There was a toilet in there.”

–Linda Feikle

 

When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.

“How long have you been married?” I asked.

“Ten years,” she replied.

–Tonya Winter

 

Wedded Blitz

The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.

“Those must be real diamonds,” she said.

“Yes,” I said. “How could you tell?”

“Because,” she said, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”

–Deborah Caudell

Look what Xmas led to! oh well, it was still fun, rite? So, have a merry xmas, enjoy your holiday and come back for more in Ebony Ink!

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About ebonyink

Just two average (ish) teenagers :) View all posts by ebonyink

2 responses to “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

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